Burning down bridges
by StrawberrySab
Summary: This is the original version of chapter 21 from Florrick, Agos & Associates, readapted, reworded, readjusted and evolved in a way-too-many-thousands-words' one-shot that got a life of its own.


_For Bye11_

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**A/N: This is the original version of chapter 21 from Florrick, Agos & Associates, readapted, reworded, readjusted and evolved in a way-too-many-thousands-words' one-shot that got a life of its own :P (Yes, as usual I lost control over my own story! It's me, take it or leave it****.**** LOL)**

**And now, feel free to hate me for having Kalinda in the final version or to leave a nice and welcome review because I chose to post this anyway :D**

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Boredom and an annoyance bordering on desperation never got along too well with alcohol. Especially in Alicia's case. She always ended up giving the best – or worst – of her bitchiness. Something that on first instinct felt funny, but on second thought was actually embarrassing most of the time. She was sure she had covertly insulted Jackie. Lucky for her that her mother-in-law seemed to be even drunker from the celebration and would likely forget the engaging exchange the morning after.

But at some point, her head had started to spin wildly, as the faces around her blurred in a confused and noisy painting. And that was when she realized that she had to leave.

She didn't intend to end up here, at least not consciously. Her car had driven her in front of the once familiar building and turned itself off. When she realized were she was, Alicia had already jumped out and was standing in front of the glass entrance, her gaze up to the higher floors.

_What on earth am I doing here?_

She glanced around at the nearly deserted street of a Tuesday's late night. She couldn't believe that she had left right after the election party. Actually during. She had just escaped, unable to take even only one more Mrs. Governor. Did she still have an identity of her own? Or was she just back being Peter Florrick's wife? She had proved to be an excellent lawyer, an independent woman, she had initiative and ambition to spare. But next to Peter, everything she did on her own seemed to get lost, overshadowed by his widely more notable career. She didn't blame him, but it was something that made her feel little and uncomfortable. Four years of working her way up and nobody seemed to care.

All her thoughts accompanied her on her way up through the elevator ride till she stopped in front of his door.

_This is stupid._

She knocked at his door. Once.

_Beyond stupid._

Twice.

_After everything I did to him, how on earth did I think it was a good idea to come here?_

No answer.

_No answer…_

She shook her head, deluded and resigned.

_Saved from my stupidity._

What did she really expect? That he would just be home waiting for her? Celebrating Peter's victory in front of the TV? Definitely not. And if she knew Will a bit, he probably had either got a glimpse of the elections and decided to escape to some bar for a drink. Maybe with Kalinda. Or maybe he just didn't give a damn about the elections and was out having fun. But the only sure thing was that he wasn't home. And if he was, he was either sleeping or wisely avoiding to answer.

_No, Will would never leave me outside the door hanging._

She sighed. She didn't know what to do. Go back to the party? That thought made her cringe in defiance and abhorrence. Call someone else? And who? Kalinda?

_After what I did to Will, now that is someone who would actually leave me outside the door hanging. _

She turned around, her gaze fixed on the closed doors of the elevator in a mix of frustration and resignation. She should really go back to the party. If it weren't that her body was clearly against it and refused to take a single step.

_Maybe he'll arrive soon… _

And if she left, maybe it would just be the millionth and ridiculously unsavory case of bad timing. For some reason she felt that if she took that elevator now, she would miss him by a millisecond. Her instinct was advising her to stay. If it was right or wrong, she couldn't say. In the end it had betrayed her on more than one occasion. She could just ignore it and go back where she was supposed to be…

_I'm not supposed to be here._

But in this moment she needed a friend, a shoulder, someone who would welcome her with no questions asked. She needed Will, whatever he was in that moment, it didn't matter. She wanted to be here.

In the end, she yielded to tiredness, leaned against his front door and let herself slide down till she sat on the floor. She was too exhausted even to fight against her own common sense. She peeped around at the other closed doors of his landing and wondered what would any of those people think if they walked out to the image of the newly elected First Lady of Illinois sitting, elegantly dressed, on the doormat of their bachelor neighbor. She was too tired to bother. And even a bit too drunk, actually. She was starting to feel a bit dizzy. Maybe she had one too many glasses of champagne. The bubbly was starting to put her into a stupor. She was used to the burning, strong effect of tequila and to the robust taste of her beloved red wine; champagne had somewhat of an effect on her like that of laughing gas. She prayed that nobody would see her here and, above all, wouldn't ask her questions whose answers she would probably forget during her sleep. Because of the way she felt right now, she was pretty sure she wasn't going to remember anything tomorrow. And maybe it was a good thing. She was making an utter fool of herself sitting outside the apartment of her ex-lover/ex-boss/ex-anything.

The landing lights went down and she was left in the dark. It was almost a relief for her head and her eyes. She looked at the elevator again, feeling defeated. But much to her surprise, the numbers above the doors where changing. The elevator was moving up and suddenly she was caught by an undefined anxiety.

_Please let it stop somewhere else_. _Please let it stop somewhere else_.

The unequivocal ding of the elevator echoed in the silence and she startled in anxiety.

_Damn_.

She and her stupid ideas. She still could leave unnoticed, could she?

The elevator doors opened – _nope, it's definitely too late to leave_ – and the landing was flooded with that annoying light again. The puzzlement in Will's eyes confirmed to her that maybe no, it hadn't been such a smart idea to come here. Still, she didn't move. She didn't even pretend to stand up. She just sat there under his confused gaze.

"H… Hey," Will muttered.

"Hey," Alicia answered with a light and embarrassed shrug.

"Shouldn't you… shouldn't you be at the party?" he asked as he glanced around, nervously. Very likely, he was envisioning the sudden appearance of one of his neighbors like she had done only minutes before.

"I guess I should," she nodded. But still didn't move. And now that she thought about it, it wasn't a really nice gesture. She was basically blocking his way to his own apartment. Even if he didn't want to deal with her tonight, he had no other choice. She swallowed and looked down in discomfort, pretending to remove something from her dress.

Out of the corner of her eye, she caught him moving closer and looked up. She couldn't say if he was tired, drunk or not really happy to see her. But she was surprised when instead of helping her up he just sat beside her, his gaze fixed on the elevator. Till the light went down again. _Thank God_.

Sitting there in the dark, so close to each other, yet not talking, Alicia considered that to call this situation _awkward_ was the understatement of the year.

They remained there for a while, exchanging stolen glances, till eventually Will broke the chilling silence. "What will you do?"

She stared at him, mouth open, words failing her. She was expecting some warm-up conversation. Instead he went straight to the burning point. Maybe he was tired or maybe he simply knew why she came here.

_What will I do? _

She shrugged. "I don't know…" She gazed at him, the plain conflict and confusion etched on her face and seeping through her eyes.

He just nodded, probably taking in a bit of her mess, and hinted a reassuring smile. "Whatever you decide, I know you'll do great."

She knew she would. It had been her choice in the end. She had spent the last twenty years learning to do good that going from _good_ to _great_ sounded like a piece of cake. Maybe not the most tasty, sweetest one, but it was the life she had chosen and the reason why she was now a name partner at Florrick, Agos & Associates. A move that at the end of the day had been on the right track professionally, but wasn't obviously returning the expected results on the personal side. Actually it was quite the reverse. No matter what her actions said, she didn't seem able to completely cut ties with Will. She could spend a whole lifetime making a fool of herself, but the reality was that she needed him.

"Thank you," Alicia whispered, her gaze on him but suddenly unable to lock eyes with him.

"For what?" Will asked, looking confused.

She shrugged. "For being… here…"

He smiled and exhaled lightly. "Well… I happen to _live_ here," he observed, pointing at the closed wooden door that was sustaining them.

At first she couldn't say if he was kidding or being serious. In the dark, she had a hard time reading him. But his light laughter reassured her on the first and she allowed herself to laugh mildly at the bizarre circumstances.

And then… it was just seconds... She felt her body leaning forward and closer to him. Her common sense had clearly gone to sleep or was too drunk itself to protest. Before she knew it her lips were pressing softly to Will's in a tender kiss. Her heart skipped a beat when he didn't stop her or move back. She let her lips rest there for a moment, enjoying the warm contact that she had missed so much and for too long. She knew she was trembling, both in excitement and astonishment. And a bit of fear maybe, for the effect he had on her didn't seem to change with time or diminish in any way, despite all her attempts to wreck any positive feeling from both sides. It only seemed to get worse. To kiss him _now_ certainly helped to make it worse. She should stop it straightaway; she shouldn't have even started it in the first place. But instead of listening to her conscience, she challenged it, as she opened her mouth, slightly, to give Will the chance of making their kiss deeper. An occasion that he seized with eagerness. The imperceptible sound of their tongues entwining and their light sighs was all she could hear. Even if someone walked in on them now, she probably wouldn't notice. Inebriated by the kiss and by the champagne still coursing through her veins, she winced when Will broke the kiss, then sighed deeply and rested his forehead against hers, eyes shut in what was probably guilt and anguish.

She felt her breathing become fast and erratic as a light panic made its way into her head. Did she really just kiss him?

_What's wrong with me?_

She should have sized the occasion and run. This was her ultimate chance to take the damn elevator and leave before she could actually end up doing something regrettable. Instead, she moved to rest her head on his shoulder and breathed in his cologne, enjoying his proximity, knowing that it would be the _last_. If not even leaving Lockhart & Gardner had helped her cause, what other option was she left with? _Springfield_. Leaving everything again… Was she ready? Was she willing? Did she have a choice? One that wouldn't mess with her life even more? It felt so good to stay here beside him. It felt _too_ good. Will was a painful, bittersweet and unsolvable dilemma. She tried to lock out any thought to just relish in the moment. Her eyes closed, she didn't want to think about her future right now, just to wallow in a present that resembled so much from the past she was still aching for. Till finally, all the previous upheaval gone, she allowed herself to relax completely in his arms.

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She woke up, disturbed by an unwelcome light. She squinted in annoyance, unwilling and unable to open her eyes. It took her a moment to outfight the sleep and finally get a glimpse of where she was.

_This is not my bed…_

She peeped around, disoriented, trying to get acquainted with the surroundings. Alien at first…

_Where the hell am I?_

She knew this bed, this place, she recognized the wardrobe and the vase on the dresser… Her eyes widened in shock.

_Oh my god! _

As she realized that she was in Will's bed she jumped up and out of the bed. Will's bed! How did she end up in his bed? Thoughts, bits of memories, flashing images started to swirl in her head, chaotically, as she slowly started to remember the events from the previous night. The kiss… The kiss! What happened after the kiss?

She looked at herself and came to a halt when she realized that she was dressed. Only her shoes were gone.

_What…?_

She walked out of the bedroom, still dazed and dizzy by the abrupt awakening, and crossed the once familiar hallway till she spotted Will, sitting in his living room, the newspaper open in front of him and a mug of coffee in his left hand. Undecided and not totally remembering what happened between them, she didn't dare to take any step farther into the room.

But Will must have sensed her silent presence because he looked up at her and smiled lightly. "Good morning."

She opened her mouth to say something, anything. A _good morning_ in return would have been perfect, but her shock was seemingly still holding any word hostage. She smiled back, insecurely, then ventured a few tentative steps into the room.

"Want some coffee?" Will asked, as he stood up and walked to the kitchen area. A clean mug on the table, he was already pouring some coffee for her.

"Will?" she stuttered, as her gaze followed him back into the living room.

"Yes?" he acknowledged, as he handed her the mug with a smile.

"Did…" How could she even ask him? The thought was embarrassing. "Did… we…?" She hoped he would catch the rest without her having to actually say the words.

Will seemed taken aback by her question. Was it good or bad? Or did he just have no idea of what she was asking? "I think I would be offended if you didn't remember…"

_Oh…_ How much did she drink for her memory to be so numb?

"And… are you offended?" she asked, tentatively, turning the mug nervously in her hands.

"You slept in my bed, _alone_. I slept on the couch, _alone_," he explained, not hiding some amusement.

Now she felt better. Or not? She couldn't say if she was more relieved or disappointed. And by the hint of displeasure in Will's eyes, she clearly wasn't the only one struggling with that uncertainty. It felt like a missed opportunity.

_Yes, the opportunity to mess up everything even more._

"Okay," she nodded, then looked down and moved to sit on the couch. She couldn't stand the awkwardness of the thought that they might be both regretting not taking the chance they had. Was it even a chance? It was a situation she had created herself by showing up at his place. Rather than a chance, it was like she had looked for it, tried, retreated then regretted it, everything in the space of a few hours. She had built the chance and destroyed it with her own hands. "I should call home."

"It's okay, I called Zach," Will said promptly.

_Zach?_

"You did what?" she asked, pronouncing those few words slowly. Did she understand correctly? She panicked as the image of the conversation formed in her mind.

_Hey Zach, I'm Will, your mother's ex-boyfriend. I just wanted to tell you that she slept here._

"Should I have called Peter?" Will asked, with an amused reproach.

_Uhm…_

"No, Zach was fine," she hastened to say with a decided nod, then hesitated. "What did you tell him?"

"Only that you needed a… _break_ from all the havoc," he said quietly, almost in a whisper. "I'm sure he'll come up with a good cover," he added, soothingly, as he took a seat on the couch, right next to her.

She nodded and smiled. "Thank you… and sorry…"

"It's okay," he shook his head in reassurance, "the couch is comfortable and…"

She stopped him before he could finish. "I didn't…" She felt her nerves get the better of her as her voice faltered slightly. "I didn't mean that… I just…" There was no easy way into this conversation. But after showing up like that, she knew that she owed him at least a good explanation. "I thought it was easier… I… I've become aware that I keep on burning down bridges just to build new ones…" She whispered. As if the low voice could take away a bit of the meaning of those words. She watched as Will put the mug on the coffee table and gave her his full attention.

"Why did you really come last night?" he asked softly.

"Because… because I miss having you in my life. As a friend, as a boss, as a…" She halted, realizing that she had no right to miss him in any different way. "Anything is better than where we stand now…" She looked down in front of her, avoiding his gaze.

"And where do we stand now?"

"I don't know, that's the point…" She shrugged. To fight back the multitude of emotions was harder than expected. And she surely didn't want to cry. "The more resolute I become about the choices I make, the more I end up doubting their validity … It feels like… It feels like acting on the wrong grounds… It's like doing the right thing but for the wrong reasons…"

"It's what we've been doing for the last twenty years of our lives… Even if…" He hesitated, then sighed deeply. "Knowing the right reasons won't change anything… You'll keep doing the right thing nevertheless."

_You'll keep doing the right thing nevertheless._

It sounded so much like something her mother or Owen would say. Or even Grace, lately. In any other situation she would say, _yes, I always do the right thing, that's who I am and you can't change it_. But hearing it from Will's voice gave it a different perspective. She knew it wasn't intended as a chiding to her, but more aimed at himself. "I just don't know what's the right thing anymore…"

"I can't help you with that one," he said, lightly jokingly. But the bitterness in his eyes told differently.

She was sure that in Will's mind the right thing was a _real_ chance for them. Maybe he was right. And the fact that she seemed unable to completely move past her feelings for him, would kind of back it up. It was the whole range of wrong things that separated the idea of _them_ from its fulfillment that scared her like nothing else and had always stopped her. Even more now that her life had reached a new - and still to discover - level of intricacy. "I know," she said with a light nod, then smiled and met his gaze. "I should go now…"

"Make sure to call Zach…" He reminded her, gently, as he stood up and took her hand to help her to her feet.

If the encounter from the previous night had been weird, the goodbye was going to be… she didn't know how to describe the goodbye. Awkward didn't fit for sure. The words they had exchanged, as many as they were, seemed to have raised more issues than solutions. If she didn't know where they stood after the tender yet so passionate kiss they shared only hours before, she was even more confused now. The only sure thing was that she had just rebuilt the umpteenth bridge, one of those hanging so high that she couldn't see the ground, though she was sure that there was one down there somewhere. Maybe she only feared the fall….

But as they reached the door and she turned around to face him, she didn't think twice. Her lips were on his, instinctively. A light, delicate kiss, more as an affirmation that last night hadn't been just a trick played by whatever anxiety, fear, or doubt, she might have felt in that moment.

_Way to cut ties…._

With a soft smile on her face, she left and stopped beyond the door closing behind her. In this moment she realized that she could even move to the opposite side of the planet and it wouldn't change a single thing. They were far from being over. They would probably never be over, not even in twenty more years.

_I can't help you with that one._ Will's words were stuck in her head. He couldn't help her because it wasn't his place to do it. She was the one who had to cross the bridge. All Will could do was to wait for her, halfway.


End file.
